Sometimes I think back to before I started drinking. And honestly, I was more miserable without the alcohol. That's not to say I'm happy now, but It's tolerable. I guess the discontent can come and I can shrug it off.

Drinking every night can't be a good thing. If nothing else, it costs money. And the expense naturally rises as your tolerance does. You can call on all your will power to suppress it, but short of stopping altogether, it's hard to regulate.

But I think about other forms of medication; antidepressants and that lot. And and wonder how they're any better. If instead I were to take a zoloft everyday how would that be different?

In a way I think that would be worse. Those kinds of medicines are designed to eliminate both highs and lows. They even people out. I don't think I'd like that. I'd rather be an alcoholic poet.

I'd rather feel bad than feel nothing.

It sucks being so into the beer, but right now, I don't know that there's any other medicine that could serve my needs better.

I'd rather be happy being sober, for the most part. But then again, who among us really is?

Sadly, I'm closer to content now than I was before I started drinking.

Life is too lonely. Too fraught with pain to manage without some substance or another. Just because it's prescribed by a doctor doesn't make it any less of a crutch.

I try not to abuse it. Sometimes I succeed. Many others I fail.

But for all that it releases from inside me, it's easy to believe it's more angel than it is demon.

Or if not angel, friend at least.

And I really need some of them.



Posted by alcoholic poet at 10/17/2005 10:23:00 PM